Student housing or dilapidated pile of steaming Indian takeaway shit?

Both.

Now, I know that student housing is inherently terrible, and it’s something that for one reason or another is generally accepted in the modern world. I draw the line however, at gays being allowed to do this.

Only kidding, you queer bastard. On to the actual issue.

I signed up for a house last year with my beautiful girlfriend (she’s probably reading) and three others. Upon signing, I wasn’t under the illusion that we’d have a butler named Jeeves, gold-plated bathrooms and walls made of money. I did, however, incorrectly assume that our walls wouldn’t leak, our lights wouldn’t constantly flicker and our bedrooms wouldn’t become near-inhabitable, to the stage where sleeping in them actually renders us ill.

Below is a recently compiled list of some of the problems with our house. While I’m hell-bent on sending our estate agents this list, it’s probably inadvisable.

Things wrong with the house

1.       All 5 bedrooms are cold enough to the extent that all 5 of us have had to sleep fully-clothed at some point. Why starve people of my Adonis-like figure?

2.       The gentleman staring back at me in the mirror is annoyingly attractive

3.       A second floor bedroom is leaking through both the window and the light. Yes, the light. To be fair though, the tenant who sleeps in that bedroom loves living with a potential electrocution-related death literally hanging over him.

4.       Downstairs light flickers. CONSTANTLY

5.       We were incorrectly informed that we’d have a drier, which played a part in us signing the contract. This is therefore misleading and false advertisement, which is illegal. These people are rogues.

6.       The oven – which should be fit for the purpose of cooking for 5 people – has just one shelf. FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS

A light. Extraordinary how it isn't expelling water, isn't it? What is this modern phenomenon? IT'S COMMON SENSE AND ACCEPTABLE LIVING STANDARDS YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING PRICK-RACK.

We’re paying well over £30,000 accumulatively for this house. It takes a special kind of dick-job to seek employment in the field of estate agents, but when retardation levels reach that of ignoring these issues for nearly 6 months, the legality of being an arse-pilot must be called into question.

My sentence of choice for such crimes? Being force-fed one of my (at least) five spicy excretions after a large Indian takeaway.

But seriously, it makes you wonder how the fuck places like these even get a good reputation as estate agents, even to the extent where they’re supported by Unipol. It’s clear that they don’t give a shit as long as they get their extortionate money, but try and make the living standards average at least.

Shit is ridiculous. And no, not my Indian takeaway shits.

Anyway, Jeeves; you couldn’t submit this article for me, could you?