Coming out

It’s taken me a while to build up the courage to do this, and it's possibly the hardest thing that I've ever had to do (except your mum), but I have something to tell you all…

Ladies and gentleman, this news will likely shock you to your very core: I am an adult male.

Now, firstly I must apologise for the needless disclosure of such a shocking revelation. Please ensure you have comfortable seating nearby though, because there is more. I, Matthew Edward Stead IV, am a straight adult male. There’s more, I’m in a relationship. With a woman. Namely my beautiful girlfriend (she’s probably reading).

I understand that you’re likely still reeling from the unwarranted admission of these facts. However, when you combine these with the fact that I am a Belieber and a Directioner, the amount of awesomeness leaking from my every receptacle is near unbearable limits. It certainly isn’t the most palatable of combinations, that’s for sure.

That’s right, I’m coming out. I have Bieber fever and One Direction infection. (Fucking clever nicknames to be fair, excellent stuff).

Sadly, this life choice is generally derided amongst people my age, and even further disparaged by people of my gender. But why? Bieber and One Direction are, in my opinion, supremely talented and produce good, catchy music.

Seriously though, I’m not even homosexual.

It’s socially accepted for people of my age and gender to listen to the likes of M&M, J-Zed and Small Wayne, but I, quite frankly, am a maverick. Over the years, it’s become fashionable to ‘hate’ the likes of Bieber, One Direction and our Lord Darius, but I just can’t understand why.

Is it because they’re excelling in life while you’re busy studying your family tree? If you’re wondering, it’s a cactus because everyone on it is an insufferable prick (that’s just downright childish, but it’s also categorically hilarious).

I really don’t get the hate. They’re clearly talented, unlike many ‘artists’ in the music business, and are simply pursuing their dreams. It’s likely an unfortunate bout of jealousy, but at least I’m out and proud now.

That’s right. I respect, admire and willingly listen/sing/masturbate to Justin Bieber and One Direction. And I love penis!

Wait, what…