Banter

If I asked you to conjure up thoughts of the single most lamentable thing to ever have transpired on Earth, what would your response be? The Nazi concentration camps? The Russian Gulags? Or the moment Darius understandably struggled to emulate the unequivocal success of worldwide smash-hit Colourblind? Aside from the raw pain that even a brief thought of the latter induces, the introduction of the word ‘banter’ into the English language ranks highest personally.

Type ‘conversation’ into Microsoft Word, right-click and then hover over the synonyms option. The final result, if your computer is a mainstream dick, should be ‘banter’. Well it shouldn’t be, but it is.

Much to the chagrin of myself and other sane, respectable people, ‘banter’ has become a word stitched into the fabric of the younger generation’s everyday lives. Amongst a cacophony of over/misused and diluted words such as ‘literally’, ‘physically’ and ‘reem’, ‘banter’ is the most incongruous, questionable and downright detestable of them all.

Basically, ‘banter’ encapsulates the reprehensible ‘lad culture’ evident in today’s society. If you perpetrate the usage of the word ‘banter’ in a serious manner, you’re a contemptible prick.

The serious use of ‘banter’ requires a complete lack of any sense of humour, self-respect, personality, friends, prospects, education, achievements and social skills. The serious use of ‘banter’ is almost like a free advert for euthanasia. It is hilariously defined by that which it attempts and fails miserably at being: impulsive, witty and bearable. The serious use of ‘banter’ should, in my generally correct opinion, be met with the death sentence. And you wouldn’t be able to appeal it either, because “it’s just banter.”

Could you imagine if Hitler purported the defence of ‘racial banter’ back in the 1940s, or Dappy’s parents attempted the usage of ‘sexual banter’ to protect their actions during his conception? The line has to be drawn somewhere, and hopefully it’s drawn with a dangerously sharp knife onto the scrawny neck of one of the bell-ends that uses ‘banter’ seriously.

So if you’re a ‘bantersaurus’, a ‘banterlope’ or ‘Banter Claus’, what you’re actually admitting to is being a massive, unadulterated, uncultured, inexcusable, indefensible, reprehensible, unacceptable, unforgiveable, disgraceful, shameful twat.

Now pull up your jeans to hide your visible and derisible arse-crack, get a respectable job unlike your slut of a mother and stop listening to your ‘grimy, gritty, dirty’ dubstep.

Banterlols, right?