Really shit sayings

You know those sayings; those inane, cliché-ridden ones that render you incapacitated with a burning rage? Well hold your horses, because this top 10 list right here is longer than your arm (provided you’re a dwarf/midget/insert politically correct term here). That one’s for my beautiful girlfriend (she’s probably reading).

10. You only live once
Wait, what? I only live once?! How have I never heard of such a ground-breaking theory before? How have you come to these conclusions? I have no idea how to react to this…
               
9. Live every day as if it’s your last

Right, there’s my answer. I know you’re a free spirit, live-in-the-moment pig-fucking attention whore, but don’t propagate your pathetic mantra while I’m within earshot at least. This is neither physically, mentally or economically viable. Fuck off.

8. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer
What kind of a warped sense of reality is that? I’m struggling to fathom why you’re such a grand wall of dickishness.

7. Couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery
I should hope not. A brewery is an establishment dedicated to the making of beer, not drinking it. If you were caught attempting to instigate any sort of drink-related shenanigans within such a building it’d certainly be frowned upon at the very least.

6. Don’t beat around the bush
Thanks for your concern, but I’ll masturbate where I want.

I did try and tell you: don't beat around the Bush. He'll just reciprocate, and I ain't cleaning that mess up.

5. Safe as houses
Try telling that to the McCann’s.

Rapidly moving on, I’d say it’s safer to assume that the proprietor of the aforementioned comment has never lived in Burley or Headingley, or even Britain for that matter.

4. By the skin of my teeth
That non-existent skin on your teeth? Impressive. Why don’t you stop being such a contemptible twat-sword and do something worthwhile in your shit life, you good-for-nothing bastard? Your family hates you and your terribly inaccurate scientific theses. You’re adopted.

3. Blood is thicker than water
And my dick’s thicker than blood (honest), so are you going to be inviting my dismembered phallus to any family get-togethers any time soon? No, you’re not.

2. All’s fair in love and war
Yeah, those silly Jews getting all up in arms about Hitler, I say we let him off. Bloke was just misunderstood. While we’re at it, we’ll get him and Stalin to spit-roast your partner, all’s fair in love after all, isn’t it?

1. Be careful
Have you genuinely told me to be careful just as I depart on the ever-dangerous five minute trek to the shop? Before your ingenious pearl of wisdom I was going to take my AK-47 and incite racial hatred while wearing a white blanket over my head.

Now I’ll just leave the AK-47.

So yeah, if you're one of those people who use these meaningless, worthless bastards of phrases, go ahead and reach for that knife...

And continue buttering your bread, but bare in mind that one day I will strangle you with my testicles.